Etiquette Towards Expectant Mommies and Newborns

Recently, I've heard of the trials and tribulations of dear friends who've endured thoughtless, rude and even cruel remarks from strangers. I'm used to the occasional, well-meaning "You have your hands full!" when people learn that I have two toddlers 19 months apart, but my cousin, the mother of a 5 year old and two-year-old twins, is over it. She gets it all the time. Another friend, an expectant mother with a beautiful almost-3-year-old daughter and 15 month old son, is stunned by the reaction that people have to her obvious pregnancy. Rather than warm wishes and congratulations, many people look at her as if she's grown a set of horns. She is a loving mother with a supportive husband and a stable home, yet the remarks make it seem as if she is being foolhardy to have another baby. Another friend, pregnant with twins after many years of trying, has heard the most thoughtless remarks of all, including: "Your life is over" and "You think you worry now! You'll never sleep again!"

What happened to a simple "Congratulations!"

A baby is a blessing! Always, even when they come in multiples or it's the third (or seventh) time around. A baby is a gift from God. Rather than rejoicing with these women, most people are quick to paint a bleak picture of life with children. So here, without further delay, are my etiquette rules for greeting the news of a new arrival:

Congratulations!

It's that simple. Other options: Wow! That's wonderful! When are you due? You look great. You're carrying it so well. etc...

No touching a belly without permission. I never minded, but some women do.

No commenting on size (even a "you look tiny" can be misconstrued and possibly make a woman worry that she is too small - sorry, D.A.).

No relating horror stories of hideously painful deliveries, 36 hour labors and colicky newborns.

And when you find out that a mom is having multiples, no: "Did you do in vitro?" If she wants to volunteer that kind of information, she will.

Newborn Etiquette
No picking up a newborn baby without permission.

No getting into a newborn's face, or putting your unwashed finger in her tiny grasp, or other touching, without washing your hands and without the mother's permission.

No commenting on the sex of the baby, unless you know for sure.

No asking if the mother is sleeping. She isn't.

No telling the mother that the baby looks like a cauliflower/Uncle Ralph/her ex-boyfriend. I am not kidding. The latter happened recently to a very sweet friend of mine, by that ex-boyfriend's jealous mother.